One Year Later: Drew's Funeral

I wanted to put down a few memories from Drew's funeral. It was one year ago today and I am certain it was the hardest day of my whole life. As I lay in bed last night I started typing out memories from that day and quickly found myself in tears.

I had to introduce Topher to his Uncle Drew for the first time at his viewing. My brain was fighting it so hard, it just isn't the way things should go. Both Christopher and his cousin Owen had a good time drumming on the casket though, it was cute to see them sitting on top laughing and giggling. It was healing balm for all of us.

I remember waking up early on the day of the funeral with a pit in my stomach. To be fair, it had been there since the moment we got news that Drew had died and the 18 days in between had been wretched.

I went to Wal-Mart across from our hotel that morning because I needed tights. I remember standing in front of the wrack of tights and just thinking how dumb it was to have to choose a pair because I would have to stand outside in a foot of snow and bury my brother that day. It just didn't make any sense. I had to force my body to keep moving through the store and shut off my brain so I could make it back to the hotel.

My brother and his wife were staying at the same hotel and we all had breakfast together. We had waffles and I barely choked anything down.

During the funeral my sisters and I made a mountain of used tissues on the floor between us. It was a seriously gross mess! When the funeral program was over we panicked because we didn't know if we should clean them up or leave them there for some poor soul to find. We ended up laughing as we  stuffed the whole pile in a plastic bag I found in my diaper bag and then discreetly tried to carry it out of there ha!

How do you pose in a situation like this?

I loved hearing what everyone spoke about Drew and realized that everyone thought Drew was their best friend. I also realized that Drew was a gift-giver, he never showed up empty handed when he came for a visit whether it was brown sugar or a keypad lock for your door. He had a huge heart.

I spoke about some fun memories we'd had together as kids and tried to lighten the mood with a story about poop- it's what Drew would have wanted!

Hearing my cousin Irene and my husband sing together an honor Drew.

As the funeral procession made it's way out of the church parking lot my cousin Jay and a few others were throwing snowballs at all the cars. It was exactly what Drew would have wanted.

The Mischief Makers making Drew proud

There was a bagpiper at the cemetery and the only reason he made it there on time is because my friend Katy who was coming for the funeral got stuck in the snow on the back-road mountain pass that leads to Paradise. The piper was in his car coming up the same way and Katy warned him to turn around and go the other way into town. It was a strange little miracle that day.

I remember standing in the snow at the graveside service crying the hardest I have ever cried, with total abandon. My Aunt Ann came up and put her arm around me and said it just wasn't fair, that we should never have to bury the young. It was a sweet moment of comfort and I will always remember it.

I watched my older brother, Seth, cry and that made me sob. We looked at each other and said, this is the worst. And it really was.

Looking at my sisters as we all held our white roses and knowing that placing them on the casket would be the last thing we did for Drew. We looked at each other with all of our tear-streaked faces and realized I had to be the leader. I told them we could do it and swallowed hard. We walked arm in arm to his casket, cried a bit more and placed our roses there for Drew. That was the hardest moment. Truly the absolute worst.

The feeling of closure that moment brought, however, was something I'd been craving. The pit that had sat in my stomach for nearly three weeks as we fought to bring my brother's body back from Ukraine dissipated and peace and calm began to seep in. It was an unbelievable relief.

As I look back on the last year it has in no way been an easy one. Grief is a funny thing, it catches you when you least expect it and in ways you never imagined. There have been moments when I was sure Drew was playing a prank on us all and he'd just show up at my door. There have been times when I had to realize for certain that will never happen and I truly won't see him again in this life. I once found myself in tears while driving- AC/DC's It's a Long Way to the Top was on the radio and it has a bagpipe solo and that reminded me of the graveside service.

It's been a year of growth and I feel like my knowledge of God's love has increased in great measure. I have felt my testimony of the Plan of Salvation grow deeper and more realistic. I've learned that, as much as I hate it, it's okay to be sad and have bad days. I am always, always going to miss Drew and I look forward to reuniting with him after this life- it's going to be so sweet!

Drew - A Few Memories for His Funeral

This post is the remarks I gave at my brother Drew's funeral. It was a mixed day of celebration, laughter and so, so many tears. My sisters and I had a small mountain of tissues on the floor by the time the funeral service was over. It was a day I don't think I would ever want to revisit but there was a lot of valuable closure that came from it. I shared a few memories and then a story I'd told my siblings at dinner two days before the funeral which they insisted I tell and finished with a favorite story from our childhood. 

A few memories of Drew:

Sharing a room in our house in providence and staying up late playing.

I remember him having surgeries and coming home all bandaged up. He had staples and a lightening bolt shaped scar on the side of his head and we thought he was the luckiest!

Running away one day to the tree in the back yard and the realizing we didn't have any way I'd cooking the box of macaroni and cheese we brought with us.

We served a year of our missions together. Dropping Drew off at the MTC was actually the experience that really motivated me to serve too. He set the example for me.

He found a typewriter in a dumpster on his mission and wrote me some of the most hilarious letters. I could hardly read them through tears of laughter.

In fall 2015 he stopped by on his way home from working for the summer and he brought with him a keypad lock for our door. Watching him install the keypad lock on our door was seeing Drew in his element. That thing has been the greatest and I thank Drew for looking out for us every time I use it.

Sitting at the top of 30 Rockefeller plaza and looking at New York City. I remember really talking to Drew on this occasion. Watching his eyes light up in amazement at times square at night. I will treasure that trip to NYC with him forever.

The story my siblings insisted I tell:

I received a letter from Drew while we were serving our missions together. Drew told of how he and his companion were riding bikes from one small town to another somewhere outside of Raleigh, North Carolina. All of a sudden Drew heard the call of nature- and it was calling loudly. It was also not the call of a number one.

There was nothing but woods for miles around so he decided to stop and relieve himself. He took off into the woods and did his business. When he was done he realized that there was nothing to use for toilet paper. Stuck in quite the dilemma he began to dig through his backpack. From the depths of his bag he pulled an old, tattered copy of the Book of Mormon. He tore out a few pages, finished his business and went on his way rejoicing.

Yes, that really happened. And yes he did type that story out on his dumpster type writer.

One of my favorite memories and one I felt compelled to write about in the days following Drew's death:

When we were kids we would play in the irrigation ditch in our back yard every day in the summer. One of the favorite activities was to run up the street to the head gate just past our next door neighbor Opal’s house and throw toys in the water. I remember having a superman toy with a little cape that was one of the favorites for this game. These toys had to go underground at the head gate and make a turn beneath Opal’s yard before emerging from the pipe on our side of the fence.  We’d race back to our house and try to beat the toys on their journey. We would always be so delighted when they’d come bobbing along out of the pipe and plop into the pool of water we'd dammed up.

I feel like that irrigation ditch is a little like this life and Drew is that little superman. We all get tossed into the irrigation ditch and have to somehow make it through the rough waters, the neighbor’s grate, make the turn and emerge on the other side. There were a lot of toys that got lost during this process. One time my dad went over to help the neighbor because she was having problems with the grate in her yard being clogged. Well, he ended up finding a whole slew of toys that had been stuck in her grate. But not that Superman. He always seemed to make his way through, ahead of the rest.

Now Drew has made it through, ahead of the rest of us. He’s emerged on the other side and although I can imagine it’s a somber experience for my grandparents to see him home so early there is much rejoicing and excitement. I’d be willing to bet my grandpa Anderson was standing there with his cowboy boots and hat saying “Let’s get to work Eewie Dewie Rich and Chewy!”. I am sure my Grandma and Granddad Jenks are teaching him the best ways to help teach the gospel to those who still need to hear it. I’m sure he’s joining them in missing all of us who’re still here, beneath the neighbor’s yard fighting the rough waters.

Eternity is long and I am glad to know that we have that long eternity to spend with our brother and the rest of our family. In the meantime, it’s going to be hard to live without our brother, uncle, son, cousin and friend. It’s going to be tough when I snap a funny picture of my son to remember that I can’t text it to Drew. That I can’t call him up and have one-sided conversations where I pepper him with questions and he gives his trademark mono-syllabic answers in return. 

But instead of letting these moments of missing him get me down, I'm going to think if him as he is now- happy and at peace, on to better and brighter things. I'm going to be thankful for the time we had here, I'm going to smile every time I unlock my back door and thank Drew for keeping us safe. Instead of mourning for the life he won't get to experience here, I'll imagine the life he has now. He's made it to the other end of the irrigation ditch, our little Superman. 

Drew, I love you and I'm going miss you every day for the rest of my life.