One Year Later: Drew's Funeral

I wanted to put down a few memories from Drew's funeral. It was one year ago today and I am certain it was the hardest day of my whole life. As I lay in bed last night I started typing out memories from that day and quickly found myself in tears.

I had to introduce Topher to his Uncle Drew for the first time at his viewing. My brain was fighting it so hard, it just isn't the way things should go. Both Christopher and his cousin Owen had a good time drumming on the casket though, it was cute to see them sitting on top laughing and giggling. It was healing balm for all of us.

I remember waking up early on the day of the funeral with a pit in my stomach. To be fair, it had been there since the moment we got news that Drew had died and the 18 days in between had been wretched.

I went to Wal-Mart across from our hotel that morning because I needed tights. I remember standing in front of the wrack of tights and just thinking how dumb it was to have to choose a pair because I would have to stand outside in a foot of snow and bury my brother that day. It just didn't make any sense. I had to force my body to keep moving through the store and shut off my brain so I could make it back to the hotel.

My brother and his wife were staying at the same hotel and we all had breakfast together. We had waffles and I barely choked anything down.

During the funeral my sisters and I made a mountain of used tissues on the floor between us. It was a seriously gross mess! When the funeral program was over we panicked because we didn't know if we should clean them up or leave them there for some poor soul to find. We ended up laughing as we  stuffed the whole pile in a plastic bag I found in my diaper bag and then discreetly tried to carry it out of there ha!

How do you pose in a situation like this?

I loved hearing what everyone spoke about Drew and realized that everyone thought Drew was their best friend. I also realized that Drew was a gift-giver, he never showed up empty handed when he came for a visit whether it was brown sugar or a keypad lock for your door. He had a huge heart.

I spoke about some fun memories we'd had together as kids and tried to lighten the mood with a story about poop- it's what Drew would have wanted!

Hearing my cousin Irene and my husband sing together an honor Drew.

As the funeral procession made it's way out of the church parking lot my cousin Jay and a few others were throwing snowballs at all the cars. It was exactly what Drew would have wanted.

The Mischief Makers making Drew proud

There was a bagpiper at the cemetery and the only reason he made it there on time is because my friend Katy who was coming for the funeral got stuck in the snow on the back-road mountain pass that leads to Paradise. The piper was in his car coming up the same way and Katy warned him to turn around and go the other way into town. It was a strange little miracle that day.

I remember standing in the snow at the graveside service crying the hardest I have ever cried, with total abandon. My Aunt Ann came up and put her arm around me and said it just wasn't fair, that we should never have to bury the young. It was a sweet moment of comfort and I will always remember it.

I watched my older brother, Seth, cry and that made me sob. We looked at each other and said, this is the worst. And it really was.

Looking at my sisters as we all held our white roses and knowing that placing them on the casket would be the last thing we did for Drew. We looked at each other with all of our tear-streaked faces and realized I had to be the leader. I told them we could do it and swallowed hard. We walked arm in arm to his casket, cried a bit more and placed our roses there for Drew. That was the hardest moment. Truly the absolute worst.

The feeling of closure that moment brought, however, was something I'd been craving. The pit that had sat in my stomach for nearly three weeks as we fought to bring my brother's body back from Ukraine dissipated and peace and calm began to seep in. It was an unbelievable relief.

As I look back on the last year it has in no way been an easy one. Grief is a funny thing, it catches you when you least expect it and in ways you never imagined. There have been moments when I was sure Drew was playing a prank on us all and he'd just show up at my door. There have been times when I had to realize for certain that will never happen and I truly won't see him again in this life. I once found myself in tears while driving- AC/DC's It's a Long Way to the Top was on the radio and it has a bagpipe solo and that reminded me of the graveside service.

It's been a year of growth and I feel like my knowledge of God's love has increased in great measure. I have felt my testimony of the Plan of Salvation grow deeper and more realistic. I've learned that, as much as I hate it, it's okay to be sad and have bad days. I am always, always going to miss Drew and I look forward to reuniting with him after this life- it's going to be so sweet!

Faces - July 2017

I know every parent thinks their kid is the most funny, the greatest, smartest etc. But I really believe my kid is all of those things. I tried to catch a picture of him at the pool the other day and walked away with the greatest series of pictures ever. I scroll thorugh the pictures on my phone before bed most nights (because Topher has been in bed for a few hours and I miss him!) and I couldn't stop laughing when I got to these. I had tears streaming down my face. I mean, really. This kid is such a ham!

And I couldn't resist a few others I've captured lately. He just makes the best faces!

This one is right after waking form a nap. I set him on the couch and he grabbed his Friend Magazine and just started flipping through. Ain't no thing, ma.

Calculator love

Nose love

Free-chocolate-at-the-mall love

Christopher Golden - Blessing Pictures

It's hard to whittle down pictures of your baby. Especially when you are looking at them and realize that seven months later he is a totally different kid! He still has all of these funny faces but he looks so much older now. Watching him grow is so bittersweet! These were taken on the day we had him blessed in church.

This series cracks me up:

And these are the ones when Thomas came in. This boy sure loves hid daddy!

We love this little guy of ours! I am already missing this tiny little baby. Now he's on the move and growing so fast!

Blessing Weekend

In mid February we hosted what seemed like 12 million people at our house for Christopher's blessing. In reality it was all of my parents, my brother and wife, Thomas' parents, sister, and his brother's family. At maximum capacity there was a total of 13 adults and 7 kids. I'm not sure what we were thinking...

The first to arrive were my dad and step mom. Seeing my dad's face light up when he held my son was priceless!

My dad had been at my house for less than two hours before we were on our way to the hardware store to pick up some parts to fix our toilet. He also fixed our screen door and replaced the headlights on my car. This is SO my dad's idea of an ideal vacation! I really miss living so close to him and his handyman skills!

The rest of the family came in that evening or early the next day:

Grandpa Harlan and Grandma Janet Reed + Aunt Angie

Grandpa Larry and Grandma Jeani Johnson

Uncle Seth & Aunt Miranda Jenks (my brother and his wife)

We spent the first few days of the weekend seeing the sights around Boston- Thomas took all the parents downtown for a whole day of walking the Freedom Trail, bless his heart! I went to Cambridge with Seth & Miranda. We spent a day seeing Lexington & Concord and all the sights there. 

We blessed Christopher on Sunday morning at church. It was so sweet to hear Thomas hold his son and give him a blessing. I love watching Thomas be a dad. It's the best thing ever. We got a few family pictures after church even though it was freezing outside. We had to give all these out-of-towners a real taste of New England weather, right?

It was such a good weekend despite all of my anxiety about having that many people in my house. Christopher loved meeting all his relatives and snuggling his grandparents and I loved showing him off. He's a pretty great kid!