November 30, 2017

One Year Later: Drew's Funeral

I wanted to put down a few memories from Drew's funeral. It was one year ago today and I am certain it was the hardest day of my whole life. As I lay in bed last night I started typing out memories from that day and quickly found myself in tears.


I had to introduce Topher to his Uncle Drew for the first time at his viewing. My brain was fighting it so hard, it just isn't the way things should go. Both Christopher and his cousin Owen had a good time drumming on the casket though, it was cute to see them sitting on top laughing and giggling. It was healing balm for all of us.




I remember waking up early on the day of the funeral with a pit in my stomach. To be fair, it had been there since the moment we got news that Drew had died and the 18 days in between had been wretched.

I went to Wal-Mart across from our hotel that morning because I needed tights. I remember standing in front of the wrack of tights and just thinking how dumb it was to have to choose a pair because I would have to stand outside in a foot of snow and bury my brother that day. It just didn't make any sense. I had to force my body to keep moving through the store and shut off my brain so I could make it back to the hotel.


My brother and his wife were staying at the same hotel and we all had breakfast together. We had waffles and I barely choked anything down.

During the funeral my sisters and I made a mountain of used tissues on the floor between us. It was a seriously gross mess! When the funeral program was over we panicked because we didn't know if we should clean them up or leave them there for some poor soul to find. We ended up laughing as we  stuffed the whole pile in a plastic bag I found in my diaper bag and then discreetly tried to carry it out of there ha!

How do you pose in a situation like this?
I loved hearing what everyone spoke about Drew and realized that everyone thought Drew was their best friend. I also realized that Drew was a gift-giver, he never showed up empty handed when he came for a visit whether it was brown sugar or a keypad lock for your door. He had a huge heart.

I spoke about some fun memories we'd had together as kids and tried to lighten the mood with a story about poop- it's what Drew would have wanted!

Hearing my cousin Irene and my husband sing together an honor Drew.




As the funeral procession made it's way out of the church parking lot my cousin Jay and a few others were throwing snowballs at all the cars. It was exactly what Drew would have wanted.

The Mischief Makers making Drew proud
There was a bagpiper at the cemetery and the only reason he made it there on time is because my friend Katy who was coming for the funeral got stuck in the snow on the back-road mountain pass that leads to Paradise. The piper was in his car coming up the same way and Katy warned him to turn around and go the other way into town. It was a strange little miracle that day.


I remember standing in the snow at the graveside service crying the hardest I have ever cried, with total abandon. My Aunt Ann came up and put her arm around me and said it just wasn't fair, that we should never have to bury the young. It was a sweet moment of comfort and I will always remember it.


I watched my older brother, Seth, cry and that made me sob. We looked at each other and said, this is the worst. And it really was.

Looking at my sisters as we all held our white roses and knowing that placing them on the casket would be the last thing we did for Drew. We looked at each other with all of our tear-streaked faces and realized I had to be the leader. I told them we could do it and swallowed hard. We walked arm in arm to his casket, cried a bit more and placed our roses there for Drew. That was the hardest moment. Truly the absolute worst.

The feeling of closure that moment brought, however, was something I'd been craving. The pit that had sat in my stomach for nearly three weeks as we fought to bring my brother's body back from Ukraine dissipated and peace and calm began to seep in. It was an unbelievable relief.



As I look back on the last year it has in no way been an easy one. Grief is a funny thing, it catches you when you least expect it and in ways you never imagined. There have been moments when I was sure Drew was playing a prank on us all and he'd just show up at my door. There have been times when I had to realize for certain that will never happen and I truly won't see him again in this life. I once found myself in tears while driving- AC/DC's It's a Long Way to the Top was on the radio and it has a bagpipe solo and that reminded me of the graveside service.

It's been a year of growth and I feel like my knowledge of God's love has increased in great measure. I have felt my testimony of the Plan of Salvation grow deeper and more realistic. I've learned that, as much as I hate it, it's okay to be sad and have bad days. I am always, always going to miss Drew and I look forward to reuniting with him after this life- it's going to be so sweet!


September 29, 2017

Florence - Part One {Italy 2017}

We spent our last morning in Venice wandering the streets and watching the garbage men pick up the big bins of trash and roll them down the alleyways to the canal. I never thought about how they would dispose of garbage in a place like Venice but they have garbage boats that pick up the smaller bins the garbage men collect and empty them into the boat. Of course this was Topher's favorite thing we saw in Venice. He really pitched a fit when we had to leave the garbage boat and pack up our things to head to Florence.


This is probably a good time to highlight the benefits of packing very light and in backpacks. We were able to make our way all through the city, up and down many sets of steps over the canal bridges and tons of cobblestone with no issues. We saw so many people pulling luggage with broken wheels and struggling with all their stuff and we just breezed on by. Don't get me wrong, it was still hot as Hades and a lot of work to get to the train station but it was so much better than it could have been. Topher just enjoyed his ride in the stroller :)


Our train ride to Florence was fun and relatively uneventful. Christopher had a good time watching the countryside go by and playing with his cars. By the time we got to Florence we were all starving, tired and short on patience though. We tried to eat dinner at the hotel but it their kitchen wasn't open until 7:30 and we were all going to die before that. We found the one place in walking distance that was open earlier and ate a giant pile of food before totally crashing at the hotel.


Topher practices his Italian and sleeps hard core on the cushy hotel bed.


First thing the next morning we headed to the Piazza del Duomo. The cathedral was so much bigger than I expected and exceptionally detailed. Of course Topher liked the small puddles in the cobblestone much more than the building.



Thomas bought tickets to climb the steps to the top of the Brunelleschi's Dome and I am not sure that any of us really knew what exactly that entailed. We climbed and climbed and climbed and then when we thought we were almost there we climbed some more. We finally emerged at the base of the dome on the inside of the cathedral and it was beautiful! We were able to walk halfway around the dome admiring the ceiling.






I assumed we would then climb down all those stairs and go on our way. We were already sweating to death, legs burning and Topher squirming. Then we realized we would be climbing to the very TOP of the dome and we had so many more stairs to go! They got narrower and narrower and steeper as we went up, up, up. I let Topher out of the carrier to climb some on his own because my legs were about to totally give up.

 

Finally, after 463 steps we emerged at the top of the dome and all those steps were worth it (I think).


 


 


Christopher found the cutest little French friend and they bonded over their mutual love of cars. The two of them drove all over the top of the dome and it was adorable. Sometimes boys just need to get down in the dirt and play even when they're on vacation.


Our first stop after climbing down all 463 steps was the nearest place to get gelato. Topher had his usual lemon and I got a giant rocher while Thomas had a granita. We mostly just wanted to sit and let our legs stop shaking.


Look at his little crossed fingers! I love when he does that!


Sitting on the sidewalk eating our treats we looked up and realized just how far we'd climbed. If I knew how far up it was I might not have done it- ha!


 



More puddles!



The Tree of Life



We continued to wander through the city on our way back to the hotel and stumbled upon a little courtyard with The Tree of Life! Florence is like that- everywhere you wander you will find something interesting or unique and always beautiful. I think we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant this day while Christopher practiced his art skills.

After naps- which, by the way, are the best thing ever on vacation- we headed out on the bus to Pitti Palace. We ended up not being able to find the entrance to the grounds but we enjoyed the courtyard and chasing pigeons for a while.




Again, we wandered along the river to just see what there was to see. We stopped at a book store and we had to buy a small toy cow and a horse so we could leave there without Christopher totally freaking out. He was having a bit of a hard time after being dragged around all day.

We ended up at Ponte Vecchio along with every other person in Florence it seemed. The sunset from there was unbeatable and you could feel the magic of the city creep in as night fell.






When he wants to sit an play he doesn't really care what everyone else is doing.


After dinner at a hidden cafe around the corner from the Uffizzi Gallery, we decided to walk until we were too tired and then catch the nearest bus back to the hotel.  I love almost any city at night, the dark along with twinkling lights makes everything feel so much more cozy but Florence was extra special in this regard. We stumbled upon the most magical carousel in Piazza della Repubblica and couldn't pass up the chance to ride.

I gave Christopher two Euros and he paid the attendant to get aboard his horse. He laughed and giggled the entire time and I had to peel him off that horse when the ride was over. I love that he loves carousels as much as I do.




This day in Florence made me fall so in love! It was my favorite city we visited and I really want to go back and find more of it's hidden treasures someday.
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